What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
