I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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