My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
