Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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