I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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