wat bout pragnant strippers??
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
