You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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