All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
