Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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