Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
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