Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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