it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
