My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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