Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
ugly people sure do ruin things
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
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