His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
