Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
