he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
