I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
