I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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