We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
