My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
dude. I can hear the air.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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