Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
it's like iHOP with fire
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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