this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
