cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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