Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
