He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
