i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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