anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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