i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
