Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
you never un-have a 4some
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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