Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
