Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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