The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
porn star boner night. come get it.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
What drink are we having for lunch?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
