So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
