I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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