sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
