saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
