Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
