you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
