At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
