saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
