The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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