Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
