When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
