New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
