So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
