Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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