hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
