How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
