My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
